on love and justice

eyes open.

2011-04-09T23:20:00.011-03:00

From time to time, I find myself in this strange and blessed place of realizing that life - my life, even - is full to the brim with gift and love and grace.

I'm always surprised to be here, suddenly seeing again that those things I considered commonplace are anything but. It's as if I've been dreaming, the way that details blur and time passes quickly - then I'm awake, eyes open wide to light, life's seemingly mundane experiences stark with significance.

When it comes, I breathe this awareness in slow. I'm well-acquainted with Worry and her sidekick, Regret, those thieves intent on stealing time away - but no longer!, I say, and I mean it. My old companions aren't welcome here - because here, in this place surely filled with Spirit, there's simply no space.

And so I walk forward, hoping for grace to see all my tomorrows in light of this truth: that Love is coming close and giving me eyes to see.

reclaiming via rediscovery.

2010-12-10T21:26:00.013-03:00

R E C L A I M I N G.

A friend once said that she was "reclaiming herself." I wasn't exactly sure, at the time, what that phrase meant.

...oh, Lord - am I ever now.

I've been lost, these past months, in the hazy shoulds and foggy need-tos and murky why-don't-yous of others. These advisers undoubtedly meant well, but my convictions - once a sort of beacon lighting the way ahead - were all but obscured by frustration borne of incongruence between belief and action. In the process, this girl's life became something increasingly unrecognizable - hence the need for a bit of reclaiming.

Websters' online dictionary defines reclaim as a recalling from wrong or improper conduct [as in reformation] or a restoring to a previous natural state. When personally applied, each of these re- words conveys the importance of a conscious awareness of and attention to past experiences - those that have formed us, for better or worse - in any attempt at forward motion.

Martin Luther King, Jr. said it well: "If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values - that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control."

[Side note: MLK definitely gets an invite to my fantasy dinner party. Also, I'm not sure what it means that "all reality has spiritual control." Let's just run with it, shall we?]

So, I'm going back. I'll revisit the ideas that excited and invigorated me as a kid and a teenager and a college student. I'll pick up those hobbies that, for one reason or another, I set down. And I'll start recording my memories (thanks to Don Miller & his excellent book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, for the idea!) as I recall them - for what are we, if not a fantastic and messy conglomeration of our experiences?

Yep - it's time for R E D I S C O V E R Y.

This is gonna be good, y'all.

beauty!

2010-08-30T22:49:00.006-03:00

This day was strangely beautiful.

Amidst hauntingly-true stories of police brutality and treasure lost and found and lost again, I glimpsed goodness and grace. Each time it happens, I'm caught off guard - surely beauty wouldn't be here, so quiet and unassuming? But there it is, and it's all shiny and stand-out next to the dirt of daily life.

It's always the littlest thing - a song that speaks truth, a friend's comment, sunshine streaming through the windows just so. We couldn't plan for these moments, these quiet whispers of Love, if we wanted to - and maybe, probably, that's much of what infuses them with beauty. Each soft surprise reminds us that, though there's much that we don't yet understand, we've been born into a world so magnificent and joyful - and, yes, painful - and have not been left to fend for ourselves.

Where is beauty surprising you?

living simply.

2010-08-18T22:58:00.011-03:00

Mahatma Gandhi is quoted as saying something to the effect of "there's enough for everyone's need but not for everyone's greed." Here in the States - and, generally, the West - we encounter excess and greed at every turn. I see it in the streets and supermarkets and churches of Cambridge and Boston. I see it in my clients' tired eyes on difficult days, when they long for another drink, another smoke, another hit - something more to dull the pain that itself feels excessive, too much, out-of-control. I see it, so often, in my heart and behavior - surely, I think, more money or friends or stuff will quiet the whisper that all is not well?

I've been thinking and reading lots lately about living simply. Apparently, it's become a bit of a movement where people live in tiny houses and compost just about everything - and, while intrigued, I'm not quite ready to follow in their footsteps. This idea of simplifying life, though, resonates - and, when things resonate, I start asking questions.

Is my preoccupation with the "stuff" of life - and the acquisition of more stuff - causing me to miss that which really matters?

How might I modify my consumptive habits to, in whatever small ways, create awareness of and begin to diminish the needs of others?

Would letting go of some of this stuff enable me to have greater solidarity with the [local & global] poor?

Do I really need all of these things?

Hmm.

I'm not demonizing having possessions - clearly, things aren't evil in and of themselves, and isn't it all a gift, anyway? I enjoy Starbucks and my iPod as much as the next gal, but I'm also convinced that life is richer, deeper, sweeter when our pursuit of spiritual growth - our own and our neighbors' - trumps our pursuit of yet another gadget.

Some folks, like this guy, have whittled their number of personal possessions to 100, most of which are necessities or items of significant sentimental value. When I think about taking on a similar challenge, I cringe - and not just a little bit - but, simultaneously, wonder how doing so would change the ways that I think about consumption and community.

links:

Wikipedia: simple living

rowdy kittens: social change through simple living

green living ideas: simple living

the simple way: a christian community committed to the practice of simple living

up to the mountain

2010-08-09T00:31:00.006-03:00

Today, I slept until 1pm.

Today was a great day.

: )

I'm smack-dab in the middle of lots of changes - work, faith, life changes - and, if I'm honest, I've always been just a little allergic to the whole idea. This time, though, I'm hoping to make like a California girl (yes, you can blame Katy Perry for that reference) - just riding this wave of change and coasting toward the shore, no worries.

Isn't that how it goes? well, anyway - that's the plan.

I'll probably write here about some of those changes. I'm still trying to figure out what, exactly, this blog is and what I want it to be - so, there may be change coming to this space as well.

for now: a song that's inspiring me and helping me to breathe a little deeper these days.

speaking truth

2010-06-14T22:36:00.004-03:00

I've found that a huge part of this exercise of posting daily is one of perseverance, persistence, pressing on when I'd rather sit down and shut up and let other people do the talking. That still sounds preferable, if I'm honest, but there's this thing: I'm gettin' bored with timidity. There's too much to be said - too many wonderful things and people and ideas in this world to discuss, to praise, to question - to be overly concerned with something so silly as what might she think? what might he say? what if what if what if?

I've been in that place, friends - so, so many times. I've said things that I think will make other people like me more, and I've kept my mouth shut in order to preserve some impression or image. Quickest way to a confused & conflicted heart, if you ask me.

Let's learn to walk a path of honesty. Let's speak the truth to one another in love. What might God do in our midst?

and because it has been too long and because life is just so good every day:

0101. rainstorms rolling in

0102. mint water, mint tea, mint gum.

0103. our funny Starbucks barista

0104. a safe place to sleep

0105. my MOM'S coming to BOSTON. on FRIDAY!

0106. answered prayer

0107. forgiveness

0108. sweet, pregnant Adrienne

0109. a week's worth of vacaaation

0110. a quiet walk home

just.

so.

good.

new old music.

2010-06-13T22:41:00.003-03:00

I've recently discovered some excellent music. Patty Griffin, Shawn Colvin, Wilco - where have you been all my life?

Friday? is it really you?

2010-06-11T23:02:00.009-03:00

The past seven days are officially in the running for longest week ever.

but - deep breath - it's Friday. and there's something about Friday that'll make even the weariest of amateur social workers perk up.

A week from today, my very own momma will travel to Boston. She'll hop aboard a jet, fly over lakes and mountains and sky and cruise into Logan mid-dayish. She's coming to see the city, and to relax - but, mostly, she's coming to see me.

[Leisa Ann, age 16]

People often say that I favor my mom, and it's true - we share DNA and heart and memories. She's a woman of compassion, of emotional generosity, who loves much and often. She feels things deeply, as do I, and is a better woman for it. In me, she has instilled the value of faith; in her, I've witnessed the beauty of a heart that hopes against the odds.

anticipating lots of laughs, perhaps a few tears, and a whole lotta life crammed into five days.

[Sarah, Becca, and Mom, last summer at Fenway]

sweet, sweet music.

2010-06-10T23:14:00.002-03:00

easily one of my favorite bands. watch, listen & enjoy!

A Conversation with Punch Brothers About Antifogmatic from Punch Brothers on Vimeo.

gettin' out of town.

2010-06-09T21:38:00.007-03:00

I spent today miles & miles away at Stow Acres Country Club for a work-related fundraiser. When I wasn't honed in on Hole #4 - I'd been assigned the task of witnessing at the hole, since a hole-in-one made the lucky golfer eligible for a hefty cash prize - I read a little of this book, shared good conversation with great people, enjoyed the sunshine and ubiquitous green, and drove a golf cart without causing serious injury to myself or my passengers. Overall, I'd call the day a success. =)

and now, I'm drinkin' tea and being quiet and listening to mellow Jesus music. In all honesty, I need to hear and know the gospel - the good news - tonight, 'cause I feel like I've forgotten it - or, at the very least, that it applies to this weary saint.

grateful for generous friends, Subway sandwiches (for lazy nights), and new mercies that'll greet me in the morning.

you're being robbed.

2010-06-08T23:02:00.007-03:00

I like to read Donald Miller's blog. He's one of my favorite authors because he's honest, witty, and just self-deprecating enough to be endearing (instead of annoying). His post today seeped into my mind and found a nice, cozy corner to knock around in - read it, if you'd like - and has me asking this question:

"How are my addictions and habits robbing me of a better story?"

We've all got 'em - the ways that we spend time, that tick-tock-ticking currency of living, that do little to speak beauty or truth or life into our own story or those stories being lived around us. The days pass, as days do, and we find that these ways of being - these less-than-redemptive habits and addictions - are now life, and, well, about that: when did life become so boring? As Don says: bad habits create boring stories.

I have a habit of procrastinating in facing situations/people/tasks that cause me to feel stressed. I think, maybe, that something about this act gives me an illusion of control - "I'll decide when and how and where to have that awkward conversation, thankyouverymuch!" - but regardless of the why, this is one of my own pet habits that happens to be creating a very boring, very repetitive story in my life's trajectory.

I want to live a story that shouts of life's value and beauty and goodness - you know the sort. I'm thinking that dragging my feet, making excuses, and kicking myself the next day (or week or month or year) isn't quite the way to make that happen. Anyone want to argue the point?

Here's a question [rhetorical or not-so-much, your pick]: what's robbing you?

good morning, brighteyes.

2010-06-07T06:04:00.003-03:00

I am inspired by this lady to blog each and every day for one month. Since it's June 7th, I'm gonna try my darnedest to write something every. single. day until July 7th.

Ready...

set.....

GO!!!

Here are five of my favorite things about being up at the crack o' dawn:
1. birds just chirp-chirp-chirping away
2. sun peeking over rooftops
3. coffee. mmmmmm!
4. peace & quiet
5. the hope and promise of a new day

Happy mornin' to ya!

be your brother's keeper.

2010-03-31T13:37:00.010-03:00

I go to church with Caroline Cobb Smith, who writes and sings beautiful songs. I recently picked up her latest album and, this morning, have a line from her song Abel running through my mind. I've heard Caroline say at a show that Abel was written in response to a friend's request that she pen a song about genocide - a tall order, no? In so doing, she returned to the biblical story of the first murder - that of Abel by his brother, Cain - and exposes, through the medium of song, the forces behind Cain's murderous heart and our own hatred and jealousy and anger toward our brothers and sisters. It's really a powerful tribute to the unspeakable pain experienced by survivors of genocide and violence and a call to the hope that is in Jesus.

Anyway, the line that I just can't get out of my head is simply this:

Please don't fight anymore//Be your brother's keeper//We are brothers

In light of the recent violence in Russia (and Iraq, Afghanistan, Mexico, Colombia, etc etc), my heart longs for peace. I sing with Caroline - 'please don't fight anymore!' - and look to the day when the lion will lie with the lamb and peace will come.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
St. Francis

If you're so inclined, you can click here to listen to Abel.

the single most powerful question you can ask

2010-03-28T15:50:00.005-03:00

Read this...

then, this:

what if?
what if I listened more?
what if I went back to school?
what if I mentored a young girl?
what if I gave away more of my income?
what if I bought a guitar and wrote some songs?
what if I went to India?
what if I wrote some every day?
what if I took an acting class?
what if I ran a half-marathon?
what if I talked with a therapist?
what if I learned how to sew?
what if I ate more raw foods?
what if I decided to stop eating meat?
what if I told my story?
what if I stopped being jealous?
what if I found a place to serve at my church?
what if I planted a garden?
what if I recycled more?
what if I got a tattoo?
what if I called an old friend?
what if I visited Texas more often?
what if I helped to plant a church?
what if I told people how I felt about them?

hmm -- good thought/writing fodder! now, your turn.

life lessons

2010-03-27T22:04:00.008-03:00

I'm going to employ one of the simplest forms of communication - the list - to talk about life in recent days. I need simple right now. :)

so, I'm learning that:

I can wear bright colors like yellow and orange. this realization brings me great happiness.

it's okay that I've struggled with letting go of the hope of a relationship with a certain someone, but there is a time to move on - and that time is now.

we need one another. I discover who I am in the context of relationship.

I'm broken (even more so than I had previously realized!) and need a savior.

I like the taste of [some] beer. yep, ladies and gents: you read it here. :)

it's fun to experiment with fashion. I've never been one to care much about such things but am starting to have a lot of fun in being creative with what I wear.

bluegrass music makes me ridiculously happy. <3

it's very, very difficult to maintain friendships when separated by many miles. possible, yes, but difficult nonetheless.

moderation is key! - and discovering what 'moderation' is in various situations can be challenging.

it's important to persevere in moments - or days - or situations of discomfort. difficulty or awkwardness aren't so bad, really, and it's in these places that we discover the strength beneath the surface.

French film, food, and people are inspiring. who doesn't want a life filled to the brim with passion (plus fruit, cheese, bread, and wine)? ;)

and hope is just around the corner.

a heart that trusts.

2010-02-10T16:58:00.006-03:00

I'm being challenged these days by the example of two women - Lindsey & Larissa - both of whom I've never met and probably never will. In their respective sets of [what most would count as extremely difficult] circumstances, Lindsey and Larissa are living lives marked by grace, peace, patience, and an undeniable faith and trust in Jesus.

Despite being raised by believing parents and walking this road of faith for some time, I often find trusting Jesus to be quite the difficult endeavor. I'll grasp some theological concept or heart lesson, then find myself questioning whether I understood it correctly or - more often than I'd wish - whether it's really true in the first place. I remember seasons during college when I would get so fed up with the seeming endless flood of questions and doubts and my inability to sustain a life of faith. In that place, my walk with the Savior felt so frustrating and fruitless. Lately, the place that I've been in spiritually has been very similar, and I've struggled with how to continue to walk with Jesus in the midst of some unanswered - and seemingly unanswerable - questions.

I find freedom in the knowledge that the Father is not like me. I seriously lack follow-through, but he keeps his promises and makes good on his word every time. I'm learning, now, that it isn't up to me to sustain my faith, but that faith, like all good things, is a gift and is sustained by the Father.

I'm beginning to learn, too, that he is always, always good to his children - even in those circumstances that cause us pain. The psalmist writes, "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." I believe that we can learn about and experience the character and attributes of God during all seasons of life, but is it not true that a season of difficulty and pain has a way of reminding us of our need of God and of focusing our attention on those things that are lasting and eternal? Praise God that the jury isn't out on whether he is good every time that I have a difficult day (or month or year)! His goodness, like all of his attributes, is pure and complete.

I may always struggle, to some extent, with doubt - but because HE is steady, both in his character and his love toward me, I am able to come to him on happy days, difficult days, and every other sort of day in between.
Thanks be to God.

hidden treasures.

2010-01-24T21:39:00.006-03:00

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." Matthew 13

I think that, sometimes, the most unexpectedly good gifts aren't readily visible. As in Jesus' parable, goodness often hides beneath layers of dirt, undiscovered but for a man or woman's stumbling upon it and recognizing it as possessing value. I'll be honest: usually, I'm too lazy to be bothered with the digging.

My prayer, these days, is for grace: to dig deeper when God's goodness isn't immediately apparent, and to have eyes that recognize beauty and glory in unexpected places.

giving thanks for his treasures.
0081. tulips that look like s p r i n g. <3

0082. deep conversation on the T

0083. being witness to great talent (in my own friends, no less!)

0084. singing and sharing communion with fellow believers

0085. spicy Mexican food

0086. less spicy (but just as tasty!) tapas

0087. cruising down the highway

0088. hot apple spice tea, brewed double-strength

0089. tealights in a row

0090. Christmas cards, still taped up in late January

0091. shearling moccasins

0092. red brick sidewalk + stilettos

0093. the Psalms, and Job's story

0094. goosebumps

0095. good memories of people, places, and experiences

0096. clean dishes

0097. running into people who I know around the city

0098. a blue bowl with tart green apples

0099. a high in the 50s tomorrow!

0100. the opportunity to work with each of my clients (and getting to #100 on this list!)

winter won't last forever.

2010-01-18T17:18:00.013-03:00

This day came with a vengeance, the wind's icy fingers creeping underneath my hat and inside my boots and, it seems, into my very soul. Snow fell fast overnight, weighing bare branches low and enveloping the city in a wintry quiet. The summer's warmth has long gone, and in its absence has settled a longing for those tell-tale signs of springtime - birds chirping, snows melting, magnolias blooming - that shout of new life.

I'm grateful to live in a place where I have the opportunity to witness such a dramatic change of seasons. There's something to be said for living in much milder climates - there's certainly part of me that misses those 70* January days - but this very stark shift in my external environment directs my thoughts to the inner life, too, and for this I'm thankful.

Christian theology teaches that we come into the world spiritually dead, a condition inherited from our first parents, and find life only in the Savior and Son, Jesus. I believe this to be true, and see echoes of this concept of death-to-life scattered throughout the human experience. The deadness of winter is one such echo, serving as a reminder of the coldness of our hearts before being lit by the Spirit's flame.

I've been day-dreaming of summer - spending lazy days reading in Harvard Yard or concert-going at the Hatch Shell or eating popsicles on the front stoop in a tank top and shorts. These days, I stay indoors much more than I'd like - but the promise of April beckons, and I remember that the world won't be frozen indefinitely. Likewise, when I walk through the winters of life and my spirit grows cold, I remember that it, too, will not be frozen forever. I hope in Jesus, whose resurrection from death-to-life inaugurated the coming of the Kingdom - God's new way of life - in our present world. Because of his grace, this redemptive work has extended to people like us, waking us from our slumber to the glorious life that is at hand. Thanks be to God!

resonating.

2010-01-11T21:56:00.007-03:00

I just watched Garden State, all the way through, for the first time. I remember being a little scared away from it a few years ago because there were some drugs and one particularly sexy scene, and that sort of thing made me nervous. Now, I understand why so many people were drawn to this film - and why I kept hearing about it, for months and months, after it came out. I don't know the fancy filmmaker lingo - far from it - but from where I stand, we watch stories like this one because they make us feel human. Characters like Sam and Andrew remind us of the people in our lives - and, probably, of ourselves - and so we resonate with their struggles and joys and feel connected to the vast, diverse, crazy family of humanity. Stories like this one speak to the redemptive value of every awful bit of our lives, giving us hope that nothing is wasted and that life, with all of its seemingly random experiences, is about something much more meaningful and interconnected than we could've dared to dream.

I think that it's important to note, too, that we are so drawn to these sorts of characters because we're allowed to see their flaws. It's easy to think, walking around in this world of ours, that we struggle alone - none of us especially enjoy talking about how messed up we are, right? Maybe it's due to a lack of confidence, present in all of us to some degree, but coming face to face with imperfection is freeing. It allows us to breeeeathe a long-overdue sigh of relief, affirming our own messy and beautiful story.

giving thanks for this beautiful mess.
0071. wilted flowers

0072. a down comforter

0073. comfort food

0074. reallllly mellow music

0075. hot soup

0076. the brisk, biting wind

0077. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, which gave me new ways to think about story

0078. dialogue with those who are different

0079. warm, knotty hats

0080. my daily Bread

a day of promise.

2010-01-10T22:59:00.005-03:00

I'm not sure what it was, exactly, that set today apart - as days go, this one was unremarkable, filled with such activities as napping, chatting, lunching. Still, I couldn't help but notice a quiet stirring in my heart, whispers of newness and hope and - could it be? - faith welling up, a promise of the grace of God.

Trusting Jesus, at least since college, has been littered for me with periods of doubt and unbelief. Though I say with the apostle Peter, 'Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life, and I have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God,' I find that I'm more apt to fear and fret than to have faith and believe. My heart, I've found, is easily distracted - and my will, following suit, lacks resolve.

I'm reminded, today, of my dependence on the Father's grace. It boggles my mind when I consider that even my faith itself is a gift, given that I might glorify and enjoy and know the Author of all life. I'd be lost, like a sheep without a shepherd, if not for his grace.

joy to the world.

2009-12-26T02:35:00.009-03:00

If I'm honest, I haven't felt much like giving thanks lately. The circumstances surrounding this attitude of [in]gratitude are many and varied, but, still, the unfortunate fact stands: I've been throwing a teeny, tiny pity party.

This season of personal negativity has coincided with the season of Advent, when Christians celebrate the coming of the Savior. This intermingling - despair with hope, flesh with spirit, darkness with flooding, freeing light - has brought about a period of introspection. One thing that I've learned, and am learning, is that worship of and gratitude toward God serve to quickly re-align my thoughts - and my heart - to his.

Too often, I forget the simplicity in his grace. I begin, again, to believe that what I'm called to in following Jesus will be beyond my ability, that I'm better off on my own. I place my trust in the empty promises of independence and self-actualization. And, naturally, I end up in the same pitiful circumstance: temporarily blinded to truth and refusing to take the hand of my omniscient Guide.

Today, on Christmas, I'm hoping for a re-alignment of sorts. I'm praising God for his grace and saying, with the apostle Paul, "Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!"

0051. the perfect latte

0052. Pandora station - Glee Cast

0053. a beautiful new Bible

0054. Texas

0055. rocking a sweet baby to sleep

0056. curly fries

0057. crooked teeth

0058. decaf earl gray with a touch of Braum's milk

0059. fiesty kitties

0060. finding my Passport

0061. a pink, purple, orange sunset stretched wide over Texas skies

0062. relationships restored

0063. chatting - in person! - with my grandparents

0064. old movies

0065. flexibility

0066. warm quilts

0067. that God is personal and relational

0068. road-trip harmonies

0069. imperfection

0070. so so many opportunities for generosity and love

whistling wind.

2009-11-28T18:23:00.007-03:00

When I began blogging again a few weeks ago, I said that I wanted to write about "the silly things, and the aha! moments, and the things that bring happiness to my heart" in addition to the deep and difficult aspects of this road that I'm traveling. My writing tends to be passionate, emotional, and intense - and, though I enjoy expressing myself in this way, I'd like to learn to write well in a way that is lighter and simpler.

With this goal in mind, I'll periodically use writing prompts as I blog. I'm hoping that this will bring a freshness and new opportunities for creativity to my writing, and I welcome your thoughts/critiques! To begin...

"I love the sound of..."

I love the sound of wind whistling through the trees, carrying birds' choruses and autumn's fallen colors. I love the brook's gurgling, bubbling song, silt swirling downstream in its earth-sustaining dance.

I love the violin's reedy melodies, the piano's percussive chords, and the long, low notes of the cello. I love funky, folksy, soulful voices.

I love the sound of baby laughter, all joyful and new and uninhibited. I love Mom's gentle drawl, Ben's questions, Becca's words of compassion, Dad's steady "amen." I love silence between close friends, telling of comfort and rest and home.

I love the sounds of living: the giving of thanks, the extending of forgiveness, the joy of hopes fulfilled. I love God's voice here, heard through a million persons and within a million places and in Jesus.

A friend shared this with me yesterday, and it just seems appropriate:

Let me tell you why you're here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand - shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. Matthew 5:13-16, The Message

in limbo.

2009-11-22T23:51:00.001-03:00

Main Entry: lim·bo
Pronunciation: \ˈlim-(ˌ)bō\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural limbos
Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin, abl. of limbus limbo, from Latin, border
Date: 14th century

1 often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism
2 a : a place or state of restraint or confinement b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion c : an intermediate or transitional place or state d : a state of uncertainty

[definition from the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary]

I've never been happier to be in a place of uncertainty.

Don't get me wrong: I'm still the same inquisitive gal who would, if I'm honest, prefer to have all of the answers. In this particular time of transition, however, I feel a sense of freedom and expectancy that is normally quite absent from my thoughts pertaining to the future.

There's this verse in the last chapter of Proverbs that I really like. An anonymous author writes of a woman who he considers to be excellent, delineating various characteristics of personality and behavior that set her apart and elicit praise. One line, however, has always stuck out to me:

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

Oh, to be like this woman!! By nature, I'm more apt to fear than to trust when facing the unknown - and, at least practically, I've lived by the adage "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" for the entirety of my adult life. It's my hope, as I continue to walk with Jesus, that I'll increasingly know a deep-seated confidence in the Father's desire and ability to provide for my needs. From such a place, I can't imagine a better response than freeing, joyful, grateful laughter.

and, so, I offer thanks.
0036. breakfasts-on-the-run

0037. bearing witness to acts of courage

0038. pretty pink nails

0039. opportunities to love

0040. bright red walls

0041. celebrating the good things in life

0042. a Thanksgiving feast

0043. Scrabble tile earrings

0044. living & learning in community

0045. a particularly challenging book

0046. hugs

0047. a clean slate

0048. pink clouds at dusk

0049. apple spice cake

0050. tears that bring healing

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

star-gazing

2009-11-10T23:42:00.000-03:00

If there's one thing that I'm learning, it's that I need to give thanks! Already, this thousand gifts journey has shown me just how often I grumble and complain [both about things/circumstances that I don't have or those that I do and wish that I didn't] instead of lifting my eyes to the Giver of all good gifts. I'm reminded of a few short lines of verse that I read once:

Two men looked through prison bars; one saw dirt, the other stars.

By the time that my list reaches one thousand, I hope to be a star-gazer. Lifting our eyes heavenward does something to us, doesn't it? Some of my favorite memories involve being with friends, wrapped in blankets (or, during hot Texas summers, sprawled in our tanks and shorts) and staring up at the stars. Each time that I've had the opportunity to do so, I've been struck by the vastness of the created order, my own smallness, and the strong, albeit strange, connection between the two. In that place, perspective is found: the day's worries, no longer illuminated by the sun's blinding light, seem less intimidating; voices speaking of war, revenge, hatred fall silent; persons maimed by life's barbs find peace. Surely the God who made all of this is powerful, and merciful, and good.

and so, I lift my eyes...
0021. banjos, in any and every situation (musically and otherwise)

0022. hot lemon-y tea

0023. happy surprises

0024. friends who will let me be real, even when real = messy

0025. new beginnings

0026. Chilean cabernet sauvignon

0027. opportunities to practice bravery

0028. living in a city teeming with people of beautifully different cultures

0029. good running shoes

0030. a clean kitchen

0031. laughing with Dad

0032. the grace to recognize my sin

0033. knowing that pain, while it sucks, won't have the final word

0034. the kindness and generosity of CTKers

0035. the stack of books on my bedside table

trusting.

2009-11-09T00:49:00.000-03:00

Today wasn't a great day. I'll spare you the details - suffice to say that life feels a bit confusing, and I'm convinced that the 'real world' is a quite unfriendly place.

I'm thinking that this new intentionality of giving thanks will be especially beneficial as I navigate through [what feel like] increasingly choppy waters. The reality of my situation is this: As of November 23, I will be unemployed. Eeeek! It's a scary thought. There's another reality, though: my Father knows what I need! The biblical author Matthew quotes Jesus: "[...] do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

My natural state seems to be one of asking questions that are, in essence, like those above. I don't easily trust that God is good - and have even greater difficulty in believing that God is good to me and will continue to be good to me. My experience, however, proves otherwise: despite my best efforts to keep him at arm's length, he has flooded my life with his good gifts - none of which I could earn and certainly don't deserve. How worthy he is of our praise!

and the endless stream of gifts continues...
0011. birthday parties

0012. a beautiful, sunny, unseasonably warm day

0013. friendships that are easy

0014. friendships that are difficult, because they remind me that I am needy

0015. the twinkling eyes of a friend

0016. the "vera cruz vanilla" candle that's flickering (and smelling yummy!) as I write

0017. sweet baby smiles

0018. the newest addition to my wardrobe: the prettiest sweater in my favorite shade of green

0019. peace that is beyond my understanding but is truly felt and known

0020. getting to talk to THREE members of my family in the same day! <3

ohhhh, life is good.

one thousand gifts

2009-11-07T18:44:00.000-03:00

I've been inspired by two other women (who blog here and here) to begin a "thousand gifts list." The goal seems simple enough: to list, over the course of a few months, a thousand things for which I'm grateful. Still, the idea's a daunting one - though I certainly have much to give thanks for, it's rare that I stop to consider such things (and whisper a 'thanks' to the Giver).

Of her experience keeping a gratitude list, Ann Voskamp writes: "I am seeing things I have never seen before, atuned and aware of this constant, endless stream of gifts from His hand. I am one waking from slumber....from the stupor of indifference and ignorance. I have sight, fresh and keen---the world is new and full of His gifts."

How much we - I - need to wake up! So, then, my gratitude-experiment begins...

The Thousand Gifts
0001. tasty shelled pecans from Texas

0002. Dad's sweet words of encouragement

0003. college students eager to serve food to homeless folks early on a Saturday

0004. The Wailin' Jennys Heaven When We're Home and other songs with lyrics that speak of beauty and truth

0005. finally - finally! - belonging to a church that I love

0006. conversations at the Mission with JR, CA, & MF

0007. the perfect sandwich: ham, swiss, roasted red peppers, lettuce, tomato, and oil/vinegar on a baguette, prepared by my favorite French-speaking Armenian barista :)

0008. eating tex-mex in Boston

0009. his forgiveness

0010. traipsing around Harvard Square with one of my favorite people

a toast.

2009-11-06T21:46:00.000-03:00

It's been six months, almost to the day, since I last blogged - and, honestly, I'm a little surprised to be back.

In seasons past, I've felt a sense of relief and something that vaguely resembles contentment in expressing myself through the written word - but, somewhat suddenly, I found myself at a loss. I'd sit down to blog, stare at the screen for a few minutes, then, sighing, log off. It's not as if I had nothing to say: I certainly had funny stories that I might tell or requests for prayer that I might make or questions that I might ask. Still, for some unknown reason, the words that had always come so easily just ... stopped.

I've been grateful for the silence. It's funny (and ironic, like so much in life): after I shut up, I realized just how much I like to hear myself talk. From this realization quickly followed another: if I'm talking all the time, how will I ever hear what anyone else has to say? The answer was clear - not easily. So, as much as I was able, I kept my mouth shut and started to listen.

By the grace of God, I'm - however imperfectly - still listening. And, surprisingly, that dormant desire to write, and to share life through writing, seems to be undergoing a revival of sorts (!!!).

I want to write about the difficult things, and the deep things - but I also want to write about the silly things, and the aha! moments, and the things that bring happiness to my heart.

To new beginnings!

heavy.

2009-05-05T23:26:00.000-03:00

Over the past few months, there has been one client at the Mission with whom I've built a special friendship. This lady (who I'll just call A) and I consumed a lot of coffee together and had more than a few good conversations about everything from our favorite music and our plans for the weekend to our individual struggles and joys.

A began using drugs as a teenager and had, to this point, lived a life marked by dysfunction and pain. As we spent time together, I entered into this pain so far as she allowed me to, feeling the weight of her burden; at times, it was staggering. I grew to care for her and deeply hope for her healing and transformation. Though it seemed impossible for her to imagine, I felt as if God gave me eyes to see the beauty that she possessed. Through these eyes, I prayed not only for her recovery from the disease of addiction but also for her complete restoration through the love and grace of Jesus.

Today, my heart hurts. I learned earlier from A's case manager that she had relapsed this weekend after running into an old group of friends with whom she had used. It's difficult, and maybe impossible, to understand the reasons for A's decision, and I think that I'd waste time and energy in doing so -- but the following are two things that I do know: addiction, at its core, is a disease of deception and when relationships are broken, no matter the reason, it's painful. and it sucks.

please, if you believe that it makes a difference, pray for A.

thanks.

transforming.

2009-03-27T00:03:00.000-03:00

Last night, a team of 45 construction workers descended upon the Mission, hammers and paintbrushes in hand, to do a little transformation. Being quite the fan of observing things and people transform, I was excited to see what might be accomplished.

Soon after all of the men had arrived, their foreman motioned for them to circle up. For the next fifteen minutes or so, clients from our house stood before the group and shared their stories. One guy talked about his learning to take small steps toward recovery, recounting his trail of bad decisions and expressing a humble gratitude for the positive steps now being taken. Another of our male clients spoke of a heroin addiction that had taken everything that he cherished most, leaving him broken - but how trusting in Jesus had set him on the path to freedom. Two of our ladies testified, as well, to the good taking place within the walls of the Mission - and in their individual lives - during their time of residence. Each person, when finished, received the kind of resounding cheer that can only emanate from a group of loud, excited, slightly rough-around-the-edges construction workers. Hanging back and snapping some photos, I watched quietly as one of God's everyday miracles took place: men and women were vulnerable, and they were accepted.

One of the construction crew later said that he saw himself in the clients' stories, though he'd never been addicted to any substance or lived on the streets. I share in this man's sentiment, having felt many times over the past few months that, all things considered, I'm just not all that different from the clients that we serve. No, I'm not an alcoholic or an addict - but I struggle, I fall, I doubt, and I'm fearful far more than I'd hope to be. Just like many of our clients, I rely on God's grace to uphold me.

to be continued (with pictures!)...

photogenic.

2009-03-21T22:22:00.000-03:00

Slowly, over the past month or so, Boston has begun to feel a little more comfortable - and, on good days, downright homey. Some of you Southerners might scoff at this concept and worry that I've grown delusional up here in the land of Red Sox Nation. While I'll give you that New England isn't exactly hospitable (the below-zero wind chills proof enough!), Boston has this undeniable charm that's hard to match elsewhere, at least in my experience.

I'll let you be the judge.

pretty streets after a snowstorm.

the state house, after said snowstorm.

this is downtown.

I just like this shot. :) it was taken near the Harbor.

cute houses. i happen to live nearby.

I was riding with my roommate last weekend on the way to a wedding reception. About halfway to our destination, she turned onto a road that snaked beside the Charles River for a while. I cross the Charles every day en route to work and, though I find it a welcome diversion from the dark subway tunnels, haven't been overly impressed. This day, however, something about the way that the late-afternoon sun shone through the trees and illuminated the water caught me off guard, and I found myself thinking, "Wow. I live in a beautiful city!!" I've been told that it only gets better as Summer approaches - so, I'm pretty excited. :D

When I'm not admiring my surroundings or discovering one of the many hole-in-the-wall shops and restaurants around where I live, I'm likely doing one of three other things: working, playing, or churching.

Work is both incredibly challenging and fulfilling. I haven't ever done anything as hard or as wonderful as spending 40+ hours a week at the Boston Rescue Mission. Already, I've seen numerous men and women relapse, return to the streets, and continue down the path of destruction. Each time that it happens, I find myself wishing that I could somehow impart the strength needed to stand against the pull of addiction - and, then, am quickly reminded of my own frailty when faced with such obstacles. Thankfully, I've also been witness to the beauty of men and women succeeding in their recovery. I'm learning from them that it's important to deal with my struggles one day at a time, trusting that God is my portion and will give me, as Jesus prayed, "my daily bread."

My play time has been limited, but I've been having a lot of fun when I DO have a free few minutes. Through my roommates and co-workers, I've met some great people who have pretty much taken me under their wing, inviting me to lunch, dinner, parties, movie nights, and so on and so forth. I'm pretty much convinced that I couldn't have picked a better group of people to hang out with. :)

and as far as church goes, I've been visiting one of the Presbyterian variety for about a month and a half. It's different from what I'm used to in more than a few ways, but I'm really enjoying it - and, hey, different is generally a good thing in my book. :)

so, to wrap up - Boston is pretty. Work is challenging. Life is good. <3

paradoxical.

2009-01-11T21:07:00.000-02:00

My heart is alternately heavy and light.

My heart is heavy when I come face-to-face with the heartbreak and hopelessness encountered daily by my new friends at the Mission. It's heavy when I come face-to-face with my own stubbornness, pride, and weakness. Some days, it's heavy merely due to the strength-sapping busyness which has become my constant companion.

But this lightness of heart, while elusive, carries me forward. The experience of beauty in the midst of suffering is truly a sight to behold, unexpectedly causing my heart to jump into my throat and tears to spring to my eyes.

My heart is light when I see hopelessness encountering God's hope, the kind that is everlasting. It's light as my weakness gives way to a strength much greater than my own, unexplainable yet beautifully appropriate to each task at hand. And, sometimes, the busyness ceases to allow for a moment of peaceful reflection, seemingly over the most random of subjects - the kindness of a friend, a quiet walk home in the snow, the sound of voices lifting old hymns to the heavens. All lift my heart.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Jesus, Matthew's gospel

inspiring.

2008-12-20T21:57:00.000-02:00

Tomorrow, the 21st, I will have been in Boston for one month - and, friends, what a month it has been. :) I came to Boston with no small number of expectations, and high on the list was the assumption that this move would bring about a period of self-reflection. If you know me well, you'll recognize that it doesn't take much for me to go there - often, a good film or a conversation with friends will move my thoughts in the general direction of the inner life. That being said, moving to Boston and working alongside both the staff and clients at the Mission has offered a unique opportunity for insights into the workings of my mind and heart.

Living in Boston thus far has been both wonderful and exceedingly challenging. So many changes have taken place over a relatively short period of time, which sometimes leaves me feeling like I'm just trying to catch up. I'm adjusting to walking and riding the subway everywhere, living off of a VISTA stipend (and, as of today, actually following a budget), and being in an urban environment 100% of the time. I no longer have the option to hop in the Camaro, crank up the latest in my revolving collection of favorite tunes, and drive off into the sunset. These days, I can't simply run across campus or drive across town to meet up with a friend.

This new place, though, is the fulfillment of my dreams for the last two years (dramatic? yes, but nonetheless true!). I get to live in a fabulous city, with skyscrapers and wonderful food from all over the world and a snazzy public transit system. I don't have to worry with the concerns of the upkeep and insurance of a vehicle. And I get to work with people who desperately need to know that someone believes in their ability to change for the better - which, because of God's grace shown to me, I absolutely do.

For those of you who pray, I'd like to ask for prayer for a couple of things: first, I'll be spending part of Christmas Day at the Mission with our clients, many of whom are estranged from their families. The holidays are an especially rough time of year for those dealing with addiction. Will you ask that, on Christmas Day, God would strengthen the hearts and will of these men and women? My hope is for them to know, in a very real way, the joy of the season. If we take seriously the teachings of Christ, people like our clients - former addicts, prostitutes, and others forgotten and ignored by society - are seen as infinitely valuable and welcome to participate in God's work of new creation. Isn't that what Christmas is about, anyways - God's good news breaking into the human story and opening the way for something beautifully new? Second: I am hoping to do some case work during my time at the Mission, and it seems that this might happen sooner rather than later. Though working directly with the women clients is something that I'm passionate about doing, I'm still a bit nervous. As I learn more about what it takes to be a caseworker, would you ask God to give me an open, teachable spirit - both when it comes to spiritual and practical insights?

By the way, it has been snowing all day yesterday and today and is currently 20* (but feels like 7!) It has actually warmed up a bit from this afternoon. I sincerely feel happy to be here at Christmastime - yes, it's terribly cold and kind of yucky, but beautiful. I'll post pictures soon.

poetic.

2008-12-02T12:19:00.000-02:00

Peace Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light, and
where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not
so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Saint Francis' prayer sits on my desk at the Mission. It was here when I arrived and has been a source of encouragement to me thus far in my journey. May God grant all of us the desire and strength of spirit to be an instrument of his peace.

melodic.

2008-11-28T21:05:00.000-02:00

Though my main focus at the Boston Rescue Mission will be to organize, streamline, and implement new policy for the operations department, this week was intended to be a more general orientation to the Mission's various programs. In that vein, Tuesday afternoon was passed helping to make preparations for the 3:00 meal (open to the public) and 4:30 meal (provided for our clients who are enrolled in either our detox or prisoner re-entry program and live at the Mission). I was assigned the task of peeling sweet potatoes and butternut squash along with two clients, Amber and Hanna. Amber, though friendly, was on the quiet side. Hanna, on the other hand, was outgoing and funny. I liked her immediately.

At first glance, I don't have too much in common with our clients. Many grew up in abusive homes, where manipulation and drug abuse were commonplace. Most have dealt with addiction of some sort - alcohol, cocaine, heroin, OTC drugs. All have lost much. A deeper look, though, reveals those qualities common to us as human beings: the need for acceptance, love, security. It is from this place that I begin the process (which is quite simple but feels complex in this new context) of getting to know the clients.

As Hanna and I went about our potato peeling, we made small talk, chatting about the weather, the Mission, our hobbies. She told me that she loved music - "all kinds!" she insisted, when I asked about a favorite genre - and that she liked to sing. As quite the music-lover myself, I suggested that we sing something to pass the time. Hanna seemed to perk up at the idea and asked if I knew any Christian songs, to which I responded that I did, in fact, know quite a few. "What about All in All?" she asked, and we began to sing. In recent years I've taken a liking to more traditional sacred music, and in turn have discounted many modern praise and worship songs as lacking in depth, musicality, or both. As I sang with Hanna, though, I delighted in the realization that the simplicity of the chorus was beautifully relevant and accessible to us both.

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking you like a precious jewel
Lord to give up, I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, lamb of God
Holy is your name (2x)

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again, I bless your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down, you pick me up
When I am dry, you fill my cup
You are my all in all

Hanna and I kept singing, discovering that we knew many of the same songs. After a few minutes, she revealed that she had been attending church services in prison and had been encouraged by the music there. I'm reminded of the story in 1 Samuel (in the Hebrew scriptures) of King Saul and a young David. The King was tormented, according to the scriptures, by an evil spirit. David, in the service of the King, would play his lyre, bringing relief to the King's weary mind. Though the times and circumstances are different, I think that music is as powerful today, capable of bringing rest to the spirit of she who is in dire need of such. I was inspired this week to think creatively about ways that I might bring a greater appreciation of music to the Mission and to our clients.

This is gonna be fun. :)

new.

2008-11-10T18:03:00.000-02:00

Today was my first day at the Mission. I was introduced to most of the directors (finance, IT, programs, operations) and met with several of them, including my immediate supervisor, Win. Win's an older guy, probably a few years shy of 60, but has the energy of someone half his age. He heads up the Operations department, the area in which I'm going to be working, and I have a feeling that I'm going to love working with him. First of all, he suggested getting to know one another over a cup of coffee at the Boston Beanstock Coffee Company (my kind of guy)! Second, he has this really beautiful way of viewing the Mission's clients (a term used here to refer to the homeless individuals who come through our doors). Win "spoke from his gut," as he kept saying, reminding me of the upside-down nature of the kingdom of God as expressed in Scripture. He talked about how many passages in the Bible speak to the ease with which the poor and humble see God's kingdom. In other words, the poor - whether in possessions or in spirit, as Jesus spoke of in his sermon on the mount recorded in Matthew's gospel - are in a unique position in which to receive God's blessing.

I can't say that I understand much of this yet. I am, however, starting to realize that this year working with the poor will change me. I'm quite sure that I'll see and experience things that I haven't before. I'll be called upon to embrace a greater sense of interdependence among those with whom I'm working (when I'd rather, oftentimes, attempt to go it alone), and I'll be consistently expected to step into roles and relationships that are less-than-comfortable.

Though I can't anticipate what lies before me, I am so happy to be here. For the first time in several years, I think, I truly feel that I am following my heart. When I was heading up the prayer ministry at the BSM during college, I was struck by this passage in Isaiah's book:

The Spirit of the LORD God is upon me, for the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound. ESV

Some of you will know that Luke records Jesus reading these words of the prophet at the commencement of his ministry, implying that he was the fulfillment of Hebrew scripture. In both instances, it touches my heart that God desires such things for his children: healing, freedom, release from the chains that bind - ultimately, wholeness. Is this not the kingdom coming on earth as it does in heaven?

mysterious.

2008-10-03T23:53:00.000-03:00

In exactly a month and a half, I'll be moving to Boston. I accepted a position through AmeriCorps at the Boston Rescue Mission, where I'll be working as the operations assistant. (More about what, exactly, I'll be doing later.)

Nearly since birth I've lived in Northeast Texas, where I have a pretty good idea about how things work. I know what to expect as far as the climate goes: fairly mild most of the year with hot summers. I understand the general social standing on such issues as gun control, environmental policy, and gay marriage: for, neutral, against. I've been an avid Rangers fan, danced on a Texas drill team (complete with the token cowboy boots and hat), attended a Southern Baptist church, and am a proud alumnus of Stephen F. Austin State University, home of the fightin' Lumberjacks.

Though I've moved a couple of times and have experienced numerous paradigm shifts and changes over the years, Boston is a new kind of monster. All that I know of the city I have read on wikipedia and a handful of other similarly sourced websites, have "seen" thanks to goodsearch's image search, and have navigated via google maps. Needless to say, much of Boston is unknown to me, and will remain as such until I'm there - living, working, and playing in the place that will soon be my home. The city, and the following days and months and years of my life, are truly a mystery to me.

This blog is intended to be a written expression of my experiences over the next year. I hope that you will read it often and leave comments: ask me questions, challenge me in my thinking, encourage me. You, my family and friends, are my greatest gift. Thanks for coming along for the ride as I explore Boston and God's heart for the poor.